


The Crickets Have Arthritis

by yikesregan



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Abandonment, Age Swap, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Alternate Universe - Medical, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Cancer, Cancer Arc, Depression, Did I mention angst, Doctor!Seokjin, Doctor/Patient, Eventual Romance, Family Issues, Fluff and Angst, Hospitalization, Hospitals, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Medical Jargon, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Cancer, Min Yoongi | Suga Is Bad at Feelings, Min Yoongi | Suga-centric, Minor Character Death, Not Beta Read, Nurse Park Jimin, Panic Attacks, Past Infidelity, Past Relationship(s), Possible Character Death, References to Depression, Sickfic, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Sope, Strangers to Lovers, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Terminal Illnesses, This probably sucks, Unrequited Love, Yoonseok - Freeform, doctor!hoseok, exboyfriend!namjoon, inspired by a spoken word poem, mostly angst, namgi was a thing, namjin exists, patient!jungkook, patient!yoongi, yoongi has cancer, yoongi is going thru some shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-05-09 16:52:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14719938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yikesregan/pseuds/yikesregan
Summary: "When Min Yoongi first heard his diagnosis he felt like he was going to die right then and there; turns out, he wasn't dead quite yet, but he was well on his way."Min Yoongi is diagnosed with cancer and a certain doctor by the name of Jung Hoseok has made it his mission to take care of him.





	1. The Diagnosis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, welcome to my story I guess? Uh, this story was kind of just something I wrote to cope with some of the shit that has been going on in my life for like the last year and is still a work in progress, but I thought if I posted it then it would inspire me to actually finish writing it.  
> So if you haven't read the tags already then just putting out a disclaimer that this story is written from a dark and fatalistic outlook of someone who has just been diagnosed with cancer (at least most parts are), and therefore might not be the best story to read if you are someone easily affected by that sort of thing. I'm really bad at like warnings, but I tried.  
> Also, this is unbeta'd and since it was really just something I wrote to deal with some shit I didn't really focus on the quality of writing.

It doesn’t matter why he was there. Not originally. It doesn’t matter he was there where the air is sterile and the sheets sting, where the sound of machines beeped and echoed throughout.

When Min Yoongi first heard his diagnosis he felt like he was going to die right then and there; turns out, he wasn't dead quite yet, but he was well on his way. Despite the doctor’s constant reassurance, he knew that’s what it was; a death sentence wrapped up in a pretty bow made up of medical terms and a comforting tone. Yoongi could see it in the eyes of the doctor when they had relayed the news, the look on their face had screamed, _ “it’s only a matter of time” _ . 

“The results from the CT scan we performed revealed to us an unprecedented problem,” the doctor had told him, pausing in between as if she needed to collect her thoughts as if there was a way she could somehow make this news less devastating on him. “Evidence of malignancy was found on internal tissue of your colon.”

Min Yoongi had watched enough cheesy, surgical melodramas to know what this meant. _ Cancer. _ He found himself angry at the doctor for not just saying it, _ he had cancer _ , but then he realized why they had said it the way they did; because cancer was a dirty word. It was the type of word that was always followed by awkward silences, condolences, or the acknowledgements of being in someone’s fruitless prayers as if you were already a hopeless case. Since admitting you had a disease was the same thing as already being dead to those who didn’t fully understand all of the hardships you endured to stay alive. That’s what most people meant when they say sorry. They don’t really mean  _ “I’m sorry” _ , what they mean is  _ “I’m sorry for your loss” _ . The problem with that though is that it would be untrue, because how can you tell a dying person you’re sorry for their loss when the thing they’re losing is their ability to live?

Promises of non-invasive treatments and mentions of effective chemotherapy did nothing to ease Yoongi’s troubled thoughts, only helped in catapulting his fear further. The doctor had tried to explain his diagnosis to him, what it all entailed, but Yoongi was done listening. He didn’t need to know how it happened or why it happened, that was all irrelevant; all he needed to know was that he was dying.

After leaving the hospital, his first thought had been  _ “how do I tell everyone?” _ and his second being  _ “damn, I need a drink” _ . He followed his instincts, his hands soon wrapped around a bottle in the same way a newborn baby would cling to their mother, as he was surrounded by strangers in an unfamiliar bar. Traditional drinking customs and common decency were completely disregarded as he drank straight from the vessel, feeling as its contents slide and burn down his throat. He drank in hopes of forgetting as if forgetting would make it all go away. His diagnosis, the doctor, all of it,  _ everything _ . But forgetting is only temporary, and those things we try to forget always come creeping back up on us, like a cold we thought we shook off. The world would not grant Min Yoongi the luxury of a carefree life, not for more than a minute; since the day he was born, he had been continuously fucked over.

No matter which way Yoongi tried to twist the situation, he couldn’t find a way to pin this on himself. All things in his life seemed to happen because of his actions, but this was different.  _ This is just a case of biological bad luck and I just so happened to grab the short end of the stick, _ he thought. By the time he had finished his drinks and went to order another round, the bartender had cut him off. There was no use in arguing with them, but Yoongi still tried and then proceeded to fail miserably. The bartender, who was really no one of incredible importance, had become familiar with people like Yoongi, those who would rather drink away their problems rather than of facing them. That’s why they cut him off, not because he was sloshed, which he was though.

“Look,” the bartender spoke softly, “is there anyone I can call who can come pick you up?”

Yoongi would have never done this if he had been sober, but one too many drinks later and he had quietly let the name slip, “ _ Joon. _ ..”

He had no idea why he said his name, or why he even gave the bartender his number to call, but in his intoxicated state, he hadn’t given it much thought.

“Dammit, Min Yoongi,” someone cursed from behind him, causing Yoongi to lazily turn towards the familiar voice, and in walked a beautiful man. The most beautiful man in Yoongi’s completely biased opinion.

Tall and slender body, with long legs and a small waist, and the most gorgeous features to have ever adorned a face. Yoongi, in his drunken state, found himself wanting to pinch those dimpled cheeks that formed even when he was scowling, but were most noticeable when he smiled.

The inner corners of Yoongi’s lips curled upward as he saw Namjoon standing there, but his grin quickly faded when he saw the frown on Namjoon’s precious face. Yoongi quickly buried his face in his arms that were crossed on the table in front of him, hoping that Namjoon hadn’t seen him and would just go away. That wasn’t the case though, Yoongi could feel his presence as he sat right across from him on a stool.

Namjoon cleared his throat before speaking, “So,  _ uhm _ , I-. I see you’re a day drinker now…”

“You shouldn’t be here, Namjoon. You shouldn’t have-” Yoongi began to go, his head now lifted out from his arms.

“ _ No, hyung _ . You shouldn’t be here... What exactly were you thinking?” he scolded, the expression of disappointment on his face made Yoongi want to crawl into a hole and never come out.

“I wasn’t,” he said truthfully, “and you still shouldn’t have come here.”

“You’re right,” Namjoon admitted, making Yoongi scrunch his face in confusion, “I shouldn’t be here, in a bar, in the middle of the day with  _ my ex _ . I should be lounging around at home with  _ my boyfriend _ , who I love very much, but no. I’m here with you because you called me and so I came.”

It felt as if Yoongi had just had his heart stabbed with a knife; he knew Namjoon had moved on, he knew that he should too, but the reality of the situation had never entirely dawned on him. Deep down he had hoped of a second chance, but when Namjoon had said that he realized it would never happen.

“Well, if I’m such a nuisance, why don’t you just go home? Just go home and be with Seokjin.”

“Don’t be like that… I’m still your friend, hyung,” Yoongi sighed at Namjoon’s response.  _ Friend _ . Yes, he had made that very clear. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

He comfortingly placed a hand on Yoongi’s, and Yoongi could have sworn up and down that his heart had skipped a beat. It had him feel physically sick. How could he let himself still feel this way about the man who had broken his heart?

“I-, I- uh… Look I don’t need to explain myself to you! You should just go!” Yoongi had lashed out, ripping his arm from the others grasp and leaving them in shock.

“ _ Hyung _ ,” he spoke tenderly, “please, tell me what’s wrong… You don’t just go from not drinking for months to relapsing without some type of trigger… Let me help, please don’t shut me out.”

That’s exactly what Yoongi wanted to do though, he wished to shut Namjoon out. He didn’t want to see Namjoon, didn’t want Namjoon seeing him like this, but Yoongi also knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t leave without an answer.

“I have cancer…”

Namjoon was at a loss for words.

“Wha-, _ cancer?  _ How?” Those were the only words Namjoon’s brain could form at the moment. Perfect, smart, analytical Namjoon could barely get sounds out now, let alone words or sentences. It took him a minute to process before he was on to his next question, “When did you find out?”

“Today. I went to the doctors a couple weeks ago and got a CT scan done on my abdomen, y’know, because of those cramps I was getting?” Yoongi paused, reminiscing on old events and Namjoon nodded in remembrance, “Well, I finally went in like you told me to do months ago, and when the results came back in they called me - said it was urgent. So, I went in and that’s when they told me... I have colon cancer.”

Namjoon had gone pale, Yoongi bet that if he had been touching his skin it would’ve felt like ice. They sat in silence for a few minutes, both unsure of what to say or who should be the first one to say something.

“Well, they must’ve caught it early! If they found it early enough that means there are still options,” Namjoon pried and Yoongi felt an emotion in him he hadn’t felt in months. He felt loved, he felt cared for again. Though it wasn’t the type of romantic love most speak of, it was the type of love that came from having someone being concerned about you.

“Yeah, but-, _ Joon _ , from the look in that doctor’s eyes… I can tell it isn’t good,” Yoongi explained, “and with my family's history of health issues-.”

“I- I just-... I’m sorry.”

Ah, that first dreaded  _ sorry _ . It was the first of many to come. The perfect word for when you don’t know what to say, but need to say something.

This had been the first time Yoongi had told his diagnosis story. Though, it definitely wouldn’t be the last time. He hadn’t known what to expect, the reaction he’d get when he told them. Maybe one day he would get better at telling the story, or maybe one day he would have already made up some elaborate, over-the-top sob-story that glamorizes his diagnosis into the riveting tale people wanted to hear. Both of those things were giant  _ maybes _ because it was based on the preconceived notion that he would actually get his  _ one day _ . It wouldn’t matter though, because no matter what story he told he’d still be told the same thing -  _ I’m sorry. _

Min Yoongi quickly came to the conclusion that he hated apologies, especially when they weren’t really just that.

Namjoon had driven him home that night, much to Yoongi’s dismay. The crappy little red Honda pulled off to the side of the road and parked right outside of Yoongi’s rental, which was a small office-tel style apartment with a split-level bedroom. After an emotionally gruelling day, Yoongi was ready to exit the car without as much as saying goodbye to Namjoon.

“Hey,” Namjoon began, softly holding onto Yoongi’s arm so he wouldn’t just leave. Just the slight touch of him had Yoongi’s heart palpitating. “I’m-,  _ we’re _ here for you. Both Seokjin and I will be there for you, okay? I can drive you to your appointments, that way you won’t have to walk, and Jin’s a nurse so he will be able to help you out if you need it and-”

Yoongi cut him off, “I’m fine, Namjoon, thank you… but I just need some time alone right now.”

The younger of the two boys had been left dumbfounded, replying with mumbles that sounded like  _ yeah _ s and  _ okay _ s. He retracted his arm from Yoongi, and the older boy could finally feel his heart start to beat at a normal pace again. It wasn’t fair; it wasn’t fair that Yoongi had to watch as Namjoon fell in love again while he was stuck, it wasn’t fair that Namjoon’s new boyfriend had to be so damn perfect, and it wasn’t fair that he was trapped in a body that was slowing trying to kill itself.

“I’ll see you around, Yoongi,” he called out as Yoongi began leaving the vehicle, and shut the door behind him.

That was the last thing Yoongi wanted though. Yoongi just wanted Namjoon to disappear, and he wanted his unreciprocated feelings to disappear alongside him. Finally, Yoongi felt at ease as he watched the worn out car drive off with Namjoon inside, its engine rattling and making sounds that it probably shouldn’t have. In a different reality, Namjoon may have stayed to comfort a distressed Yoongi, ignoring Yoongi’s cries and pleads to just go away, but in this reality, Namjoon had listened to his requests. Maybe he shouldn’t have though, but if he had then there might not have ever been a story to tell.

Once Namjoon’s car was out of Yoongi’s line of vision, he retreated to inside the building and took the elevator up to his apartment, which was on the 4th floor. Yoongi’s hands trembled as he reached for his keys and inserted them in the keyhole; why Yoongi’s landlord hadn’t changed the outdated lock system to keypads was beyond him. He took in a deep breath before entering his apartment.

When he walked in he was greeted with a sense of relief and a small dog yapping at his feet. His dog, Holly, had been very impatient and clingy as of late, which was much different from the animal’s usual aloof personality. It yipped at Yoongi happily, jumping up at him and scratching softly at his legs; Yoongi had to grab Holly’s paws in order to get him down.

“Hey there, boy,” Yoongi addressed what he considered his best friend, “did you miss me?”

As if Holly understood what Yoongi was saying, he released a little bark of excitement and then quickly scuttled away to where Yoongi kept the dog treats.

He let out of a light scoff, “Ah, I see. You just want treats from me…” Yoongi gave in, grabbing a treat from the cupboard where they were stored and handing it to Holly, who immediately guzzled it up and then went to go lie down on his dog bed.

Holly’s owner let out a sigh as he watched his pet try and fall asleep, letting his mind wander to other things. If something happened to him, who would take care of Holly? Yoongi couldn’t bear the thought of Holly going to a shelter, it broke his heart. He had rescued an abandoned Holly when they were still just a pup, and the two instantly became best friends. Their friendship worked so well because they had so much in common since they had both been abandoned by their families’. A shelter was out of the question, he’d have to find someone to take care of Holly, someone he could trust with his baby. He wouldn’t let Holly be like him. It was Yoongi’s abandonment issue that made him so close with Holly; before he had him as a pet, Yoongi hated dogs - thought they were too high-maintenance. Maybe it was also because of his abandonment issues that he was planning on going into social work, so kids without families wouldn't end up like him; alone and bitter, living on the streets at sixteen, turning to recreational drugs and alcohol to cope. Luckily, Yoongi managed to clean up his act, but at a price of his childhood.

Yoongi tried to push his worries and insecurities to the side, but it was difficult. When he found himself in this state of anguish, all he could do was sleep; sleeping was Yoongi’s way of coping, along with alcohol, which was the more self-destructive of his tendencies. So that’s what Yoongi did, he fell back on his bed and began to fall asleep. He hadn’t even bothered to remove his clothes or feed himself, didn’t even turn off the lights, just tugged the covers over his face and closed his eyes. The bed dipped down as Holly jumped on top of it as well, nuzzling his way into Yoongi’s side. Yoongi had never been much of a cuddling person, but he made an exception this once. Holly placed his head on Yoongi’s abdomen area and let out a low growl; Yoongi had never given it much thought until just then, but maybe the reason why Holly had been acting so different was that he knew something was wrong with his owner. 

_ I guess dogs truly are mans best-friend, _ Yoongi thought to himself as rested his hand on his dog's head, giving them a couple gentle pets before letting himself be consumed by sleep.


	2. First Encounters

One week after Min Yoongi’s initial diagnosis, he found himself sitting in the same sterile environment, surrounded by men and women dressed in long white coats and scrubs, the overwhelming smell of chemical cleaners that were there to mask the smell of death, and a sense of unease. He had been so tense all morning that he didn’t even eat breakfast, afraid he would just puke it back up. Due to anxiousness, Yoongi had unconsciously begun to dig his nails into his palms, a old habit of his, that would soon cause him to draw blood if he continued. The doctor, who had been sitting right across from Yoongi in his office, could feel the nervousness radiating off of Yoongi. They could feel it with all of their patients, but Yoongi’s fear somehow felt different, they were unable to put their finger on it though. It was also apart of their job as a medical advisor to try and make their patients feel comfortable, right before delivering bad news.

The doctor looked down at Min Yoongi’s file, which was sprawled out on their desk, and scowled before closing the folder it came in. Min Yoongi had been studying the doctor’s reactions for awhile now and he already concluded that the next thing he would be told wasn’t going to be good.

“I’m just going to say it,” well, that didn’t make Yoongi feel any better, “the biopsy results came back and it shows that your condition is far more developed than we originally thought.”

Yoongi didn’t even know what that meant, but he could feel his stomach drop and a new wave of nausea come over him. The two sat in silence for a minute, giving Yoongi the time to prepare himself for what words would leave the doctor’s mouth next.

“What we thought was a stage one tumour in your colon is actually a stage three. As of now, we’re unaware of how long it has been-” the doctor went on, but was cut off by Yoongi.

“Wait, wait. What does that mean?” Yoongi asked, panicked.

The doctor cleared her throat with a cough before speaking, “ _ Ahem _ … It means that the cancer cells have spread to the nearby lymph nodes.”

It was a lot to digest all of at once; Yoongi had never been the type to handle bad news well, he was always in constant fight or flight mode when it came down to it. It was more like him to build up his emotions until the wall came crumbling down on him, consuming him in its desolation.

“ _ How? _ ” he flabbergasted.

How could the doctors go from telling him he was stage one, to now telling him that he jumped up all the way to stage three? The second worse stage? There was only one more stage after this and Yoongi just hoped it would never get to that point.

“We are unsure how we missed this in our first tests… With all things considered, your options are more limited now. Certain treatments won’t be available to you now, due to the risk factor,” they explained to Yoongi, whose head was spinning, “but you’re young and your physical health, otherwise, is good, so you would most likely be a viable candidate for chemotherapy.”

They went on talking about chemotherapy and some of Yoongi’s other treatment options, but by then Yoongi had already zoned out on the conversation. By the time Yoongi had collected his thoughts and was able to focus again, the doctor was just about finished wrapping up what they were saying.

“We’re going to need to collect a few blood samples from you for analyzation, so after this I want you to head down to the clinic and get those done. Uhm, we’ll also need to book you for some more diagnostic imaging and screenings, as well as talk to the people down in oncology,” the doctor continued to drone off the list of things Yoongi need to do in order for treatment.

“What if I don’t want to accept treatment?” he asked, curious of the response. 

_ It couldn’t be much worse, _ he thought.

“Well, I hope that’s not the case, but it is your decision,” they reprimanded, “Without treatment, I’d give you... ten months?”

“Ten months? Ten months to live?” Yoongi sputtered out, his heart and brain now pounding with the feeling of dread. The doctor didn’t even speak up, just nodded their head in silent agreement.

“... If you do end up taking the treatments, I believe it would be beneficial to start regularly talking with your psychiatrist again, as well as beforehand go and talk to them about switching up your medications. I usually would prescribe either Citalopram or Sertraline for my patients, but they might suggest something different.”

Yoongi, who had just about heard enough, asked one final question, “So, how long do I have until I have to decide?” Even if he didn’t want to know, Yoongi knew he had to hear it. It was important for him to ask these things, so he could get a better understanding. 

“We’ll give you three days to thinks it over…” the doctor stated bluntly, “Usually we would be obligated to give you more time but, due to the circumstances and rate in which your condition is developing, we need to utilize our time.”

And Yoongi didn’t have much time. He only had three days to think this over, and if he didn’t go through with it then maybe ten months to live, if he was lucky. It should’ve been an easy choice, to choose the thing that gave him a chance of live; it would seem like a simple choice to those not going through it, but it was far from that. 

The doctor had pointed Yoongi in the direction of the clinic, which in actuality was less of clinic and more of a large room divided by solid white curtains. _ Cutbacks _ , they had exclaimed. His head still felt as though it were spinning, his body overcome with dizziness. Almost immediately, someone had Yoongi sat down in a chair, ready to take the blood sample with the syringe ready to go. Yoongi hardly focused on the needle, he hadn’t even realized when the nurse had begun taking blood. How could he when his vision was practically melding together?

“Okay, hun,” the nurse sung softly, “that’s it.”

Yoongi thanked them as he tried to stand up, his knees shaking as he did so

“Oh, please be careful-”

All of the sudden, Yoongi’s knees buckled and his body fell to the floor with a loud thud, crashing into something on his way down. Yoongi could hear distorted sounds, he wasn’t sure what the voices were saying, but he could tell they were panicked. His eyes remained flickering shut, and what he could see was very minimal, mainly colours and shapes. After wearing himself out, Yoongi finally let himself be consumed by the darkness, allowing himself to slip into unconsciousness.

Yoongi had woken up to the irritating sound of a monitor beeping loudly; he protested with a groan as he tried to open his eyes, but was then assaulted by bright white light. There was a new throbbing pain in his head where one hadn’t been before as well. Yoongi squinted at the light as he tried to get a good look at his surroundings, which at the moment was just looked like a big blob to him.

Though he still felt groggy, Yoongi attempted to sit up, earning a chuckle from an unknown person.

“You’re awake, I see. Did you enjoy your nap?” the person had joked, and if it hadn’t of been for the melodic sound of their voice then Yoongi might have cussed at them.

Groaning in pain, Yoongi placed a hand upon the side of his head which ached before asking, “ _ Ugh _ , what happened?”

“You’re at the hospital, you fainted and hit your head.” 

_ Well, that explains the pain _ , Yoongi thought to himself.

Yoongi’s eyes had become adjusted to the light and he was now able to tell that he was indeed, as the person said, still at the hospital in one of the cots they had set up in a room full of at least 5 patient beds. His heart practically stopped functioning when he saw who the voice that had been talking belonged to. 

Everything about the man in front of Yoongi seemed so  _ ethereal _ , as if they weren’t actually real. A mirage of sorts. No way could someone be that ridiculously attractive; an elongated oval face with a small, heart-shaped mouth, plus a flat, hooked nose, and ears that were high like a deer's and untouched by metal, thinner brows that complimented his shallow, double eyelids and cute panda like eyebags. 

For a moment, Yoongi questioned how hard he must have hit his head in order to be seeing angels. Though, Yoongi quickly realized that they weren’t a celestial being by looking at their clothes. It was obvious by their white laboratory coat and yellow scrubs, that were the colour of the sun, that they worked for the hospital. Yoongi’s eyes quickly flickered down to the little piece of metal that was clipped onto their coat.

_ Jung Hoseok. Resident physician., _ the name on the tag read.

“How is your head?” Jung Hoseok asked, looking down at the clipboard he was holding with a pen in his hand ready to take notes.   
“Besides splitting pain in my head, I would say good,” Yoongi bluntly retorted. His straightforwardness earning a stifle of a laugh out of the physician, who quickly composed himself after.

_ God, he was beautiful when he laughed too. _

“Here, take these,” he said, holding out his hand which had two pills that Yoongi assumed was Advil. Yoongi took the pills and almost immediately Jung Hoseok was offering him some water to chase it down with. He murmured a thank you and accepted the offer, making an exasperated expression when he could taste the bitter flavour of the pills on his tongue. “Those should help with your headache.” 

“So do I have to still be here or can I-...?” Yoongi asked, insinuating he wanted to leave. Despite the pretty and soon-to-be doctor in front of him, Yoongi still hated hospitals with a burning passion and he just wanted to leave before he could dwell on the news he had just received prior to fainting.

“You’ll be discharged soon, I just need to ask you some questions first,” Jung Hoseok explained and Yoongi let out a sigh.

Then, Jung Hoseok began his cross-examination of Yoongi with the standard list of semi-idiotic questions:

“Name?”

“Min Yoongi.”

“Date of birth?”

“March 9th, 1993.”

“ _ Soo _ , you’re a Pisces… Interesting.” 

Yoongi was starting to think that this wasn’t part of the actually questioning.

“Bloodtype?”

“Uh, I don’t know. I think type-O?”

“ _ Hmm _ ,” they hummed, making Yoongi nervous, “you must be strong-willed.”

Yeah, Yoongi was pretty sure these weren’t the real questions.

“Uh, why are you asking these? I thought you guys would’ve had this information already,” Yoongi questioned, his eyebrows furrowed.

Hoseok chuckled, “We do, it’s just I like to personally get to know the patients.”

_ And you do that by asking them for their blood type?, _ Yoongi questioned the strange, yet cute man right in front him’s odd work method, but all he said aloud was a soft  _ “oh?” _ .

“Okay, on with the real questions now… When was the last time you ate something?” he asked Yoongi, who became quite stumped at the question. Yoongi couldn’t remember the last time he had actually eaten something, he had skipped breakfast this morning and dinner last night, plus his always shifting work and school schedule made it difficult for him to find the time to eat.

“Uhhh-,” Yoongi began to purr, but was cut off by Hoseok.

“If you can’t remember the last time you ate, it’s already been too long…” he stated, quickly scribbling something down on the clipboard before tucking it under his arm, “Well, I think I figured out why you fainted. You haven’t eaten and then you got blood taken.”

Yoongi wondered if Jung Hoseok knew about his cancer, whether or not they knew that he had also been told that his condition was worsening.

“You’ll need to eat something before I’m allowed to discharge you,” Jung Hoseok informed him, “it’s our hospital protocol. Well, usually we would have a pediatrician nurse come in first to explain to you the consequences of eating disorders, but-”

“I don’t have an eating disorder,” Yoongi half-barked.

Hoseok looked at his file again, “it says here you’re taking antidepressants and anxiety medication-.”

“I’m _ depressed _ , not starving myself,” this time Yoongi did snap defensively. He didn’t want to discuss his mental health with Jung Hoseok, who was slowly beginning to annoy him.

“I believe you,” they spoke softly, “I just need to make sure that you’re okay… I shouldn’t even be letting you out yet, but if you eat something and promise me that you’ll start to take better care of yourself, then I’ll let you go.”

Yoongi was shocked by them, no way should they be doing this because of the potential trouble they could get in with their superiors, but he was also grateful for it. Jung Hoseok must have sensed Yoongi’s intense desire to leave this place.

“Okay,” Yoongi said agreeably, nodding his head to show that he was going to cooperate.

Jung Hoseok had a weak toothless grin on his face as he reached into his coat pocket.

“Here,” he replied and handed Yoongi what looked to be a chocolate covered granola bar, “it’s not the best sustenance, but it should tide you over until you get home.”

“Thank you,” Yoongi mumbled, slowly opening the wrapper so he could eat it.

“No problem, just don’t go telling everyone who you got it from,” he mentioned light-heartedly, “can’t risk having other people finding about my secret stash.” At that Yoongi let out a chuckle of his own while his mouth was full of food.

“I need to go finish my rounds,” Jung Hoseok announced, “someone else will be here in about five minutes to discharge you.” 

Again, Yoongi thanked the strange man as he continued to eat. He had to admit that he felt much better already. Hoseok gave Yoongi a open-mouthed smile, with his pearly white teeth on display. With a slight flip of his onyx coloured hair, the physician turned on his heel and walked away, his practical running shoes squeaking against the tiled floor as he did. Yoongi, whose usual expression was pretty blank, let himself crack a weak smile. He was thankful that he would be getting out of this place very soon, due to one Jung Hoseok. This had been one of the weirdest encounters Yoongi had experienced in a while and, again, it was all due to one Jung Hoseok. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so like Hoseok is definitely not the typical by the book doctor.


	3. Reasonings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so again none of this is beta'd and it's really shit.

Even if Yoongi never had to go back to the hospital it would still be too soon. Yet here he was, three days later and sitting in the waiting room, just wallowing all by himself as he waited around for the doctor. He had been waiting almost all morning for the doctor, apparently, there had been some big emergency they needed to attend to and they couldn’t think to call in beforehand to reschedule. When he realized it wouldn’t be happening today, Yoongi remained seated before looking down at his phone for the time. He had classes at the local university today and his bus wouldn’t be here for another forty-five minutes or so, according to the time on his phone. Yoongi let out a long sigh of frustration; he was already in a bad mood because he knew he was dying and now he would have to wait before he could leave one of his most hated places, surrounded by other people who were also dying.

Maybe it was a good thing though that the doctor had to reschedule for tomorrow since it would give Yoongi another day to clear his thoughts before he would tell the doctor his decision. Yoongi had already decided that he wouldn’t take the treatment; he was afraid of death that he would much rather be in control when he died. Accepting the treatment would mean many more hospital visits and stays, it would mean him getting sick due the radiation and chemotherapy, it would mean him losing his hair, it would mean so many things to him. Things that Yoongi has already seen first-hand, things he would never wish upon his greatest foe, and things that he definitely did not want to experience himself. He would much rather die peacefully at home, rather than dying sick and alone in a hospital bed.   
Although not everyone would see it the same way as he did, Yoongi thought he had made up his mind. He still had ten months, if what the doctor said was correct. There was still time. It wasn’t like there were many people in his life to tell anyway, a hand full of friends maybe and no family he had been in contact with for years. In ten months, he should have already graduated from his current social work program that he was taking at university, so not even any of his classmates would notice when he stopped showing up.

He sat in the waiting room for about five more minutes before he couldn’t take it anymore and had to leave. A young mother had come in holding a little toddler in her arms, the toddler looked very ill and their skin even had a greyish tinge to it. Yoongi could see the worry on the mother’s face, hear the cries of the toddler, and he just couldn’t handle it any longer. He had to get out, he had to leave this place. Every time he entered the hospital, bad memories always resurfaced. He couldn’t cope with death or illness.

Yoongi bolted upright from where he was sitting, startling a few people who were also waiting in the process, before making a beeline for the nearest exit. He was making good pace as well when he was stopped dead in his tracks by someone.

“Yoongi?” A familiar voice called out to him.

_ Oh God no, please no! Not him! Why does it have to be him?,  _ Yoongi’s thoughts protested.

He hadn’t even seen him yet, but Yoongi already knew who it was. It was Kim Seokjin, his ex’s new boyfriend. Namjoon had told Yoongi about Seokjin being a nurse, but in no way did Yoongi ever imagine that he could be working at this hospital.

Slowly, Yoongi turned to face the voice and was immediately greeted by the overwhelming sight that was Kim Seokjin. He was beautiful, Yoongi had to admit, not his type might he add though. Seokjin had gorgeously plump lips, thick brows that complimented his big eyes, along with other features that made him obscenely attractive. Yoongi felt inferior just by looking at him, and it also didn’t help his confidence that Seokjin had been built like a Greek god. His wide shoulders and tall frame making Yoongi look measly in comparison. 

“Hello, Seokjin,” Yoongi greeted, still using formalities though they had already met multiple times.

“How many times do I have to tell you? You don’t have to be so formal with me, you’re allowed to call me Jin,” he said sweetly, and it made Yoongi want to puke. Yoongi wanted to hate him, but he just couldn’t because of what a kind person he was and how happy he seemed to make Namjoon.

Yoongi attempted to smile, but he was afraid that it came off more as a grimace, “Hi, Jin.”

It felt weird to call him Jin, because Jin was a nickname and using a nickname insinuated that one was close with the other. Not that Yoongi and Jin were strangers, they had hung out on multiple occasions but mostly in the awkward time Namjoon and Yoongi had just broken up, which was before they had gotten together.

Namjoon was the first to tell Yoongi of them dating, while Yoongi was glad Namjoon told him, he was also upset by it because it still felt like a fresh wound. He had been the first real partner Yoongi ever had, everyone before him had just been a fling or less than that; Yoongi mostly blamed that on the lack of acceptance of homosexuals in society, since he was scared of being ostracized or ridiculed by the public for his sexuality. Most of the men he had been with were straight guys looking to experiment, or closeted guys that were never going to take a relationship further because of their own fear. He didn’t completely blame them though since he was a coward too.

“I haven’t seen you in so long!” Jin exclaimed and was immediately followed by a question, “How have you been?”

Yoongi laughed nervously, “Uhm, I’ve been good… Uhh, how about you?”

“I’ve been great! Thanks for asking!” he practically shrieked. From there silence followed and things got awkward really fast. Jin tried to keep up the conversation as best as he could, but Yoongi had never the type to be good at small talk.

“Look I should ge-,” Yoongi started to explain before he was interrupted.

“You know what? We should go get lunch together.” Jin suggested, seeming fairly pleased with his idea. However, Yoongi was not as thrilled with the idea and began to stammer out words in an attempt to save himself from what he knew would turn out to be an uncomfortable meal. “C’mon! We’ll eat in the staff cafeteria, and it'll be my treat.”

Yoongi was mumbling excuses under his breath, trying to protest, but he finally gave up, “Okay...”

On the way to the cafeteria, every so often Jin would be greeted by his fellow co-workers with a quick bow as they walked past and Jin would reciprocate the greeting with a smile plus a mundane comment. The cafeteria was beyond Yoongi’s expectations; he had imagined a decent sized room, a couple of round tables with chairs and a coffee machine, not a large room almost 50ft long, with rows upon rows of tables and a whole catering staff working. Yoongi was actually a little bit disgusted with how extravagant the whole place was, especially considering the last time he was in a hospital he remembers the food they served to the patients was nearly inedible, meanwhile the staff seem to be getting the best treatment in a place that is supposed to treat the sick.

“Here we go,” Jin said, his tone rising in pitch, as he placed two trays on the table. Yoongi thanked him and began eating, paying close attention to the time. He only had about twenty-five minutes until his bus came, so he began eating quickly and started shovelling his mouth with food. The older male laughed at his behaviour, but only half-heartedly.

“Yoongi,” he said with a new somberness to him, “Namjoon told me about what happened-”

At that moment, Yoongi felt like his heart had stopped and his body was incapable of movement. 

_ Namjoon wouldn’t have told him about us, right?, _ He thought, mind filled with worry.

“-about what you’re going through. We want to be there for you as you go through with this.” Yoongi then felt his body unclench, but only slightly. Namjoon hadn’t told Jin that they were once a couple, though he had told him of his diagnosis. To be honest, Yoongi didn’t know which one was worse.

Yoongi coughed, trying to clear his throat, “Uhh, thank you, Jin?” His voice was questioning, a little bit confused by Jin’s sudden confession.

“I’ve talked to some of the other doctors here and we’ve discussed your treatment-,” Jin began to ramble about chemotherapy and Yoongi then understood why Jin brought it up. He thought that Yoongi was going to take the treatment.

“Seokjin,” Yoongi said soberly, stopping Jin mid-sentence, who looked up at him with a slightly puzzled look on his face, “I’m not taking the treatment.”

“ _ Oh? _ ”

“Yeah,  _ oh _ …”

From the new expression on his face, Yoongi could tell that Jin was now beyond confused. The word “disbelief” might have better described it.

“-but why not?” he inquired, wondering  _ why in the Hell _ would Yoongi not take the treatment that could possibly save his life?

This question only elicited a stubborn “I have my reasons,” out of Yoongi, who was unwilling to delve into the past to explain to Jin why he wanted to refuse treatment. It was ultimately his decision anyway, so it wasn’t like anyone could force him to do it.

Right as he was about to protest again, Jin was startled off by a loud and boisterous voice calling his name.

“Jinnie!” a man called cheerfully as he walked up from behind Jin, patting him playfully on the back. Yoongi recognized him as the resident from the other day. Today, Yoongi noticed he had swapped his yellow scrubs out for a pair of baby blue ones.

“Hey!” Jin barked, looking at the man like he was insane, “Respect your elders, you brat! Why are you speaking so informally?” Yoongi could tell Jin wasn’t actually mad, since he had no mean bone in his entire body.

“Sorry, sorry-,” Jung Hoseok laughed and bowed his head quickly, “I just came by to tell you they’re looking for you down in diagnostic imaging right now.”

Jin sighed, “Imaging? Ugh, what could they possibly want from me  _ right now _ ?”

The ladder shrugged and said, “I’m only the messenger here, but it sounded urgent.”

Jin stood up quickly, before looking back and forth between the two men in front of him. His expression was now worried, he was still wanted to talk to Yoongi about his decision, but he was needed somewhere.

“I’m sorry, Yoongi. Can we reschedule and talk about this some other time?” Jin asked and Yoongi just nodded his head solemnly, although the last thing he wanted to do was continue the conversation they were having previous to interruption. “God, I hate leaving like this. Will you be okay eating by yourself?”

Before Yoongi could even reassure Jin that he’d be fine, Jung Hoseok piped in, “He’ll be fine, Jin! I’ll keep him company if it makes you feel better!”

With a sigh of relief and a thank you, Jin began to leave, but not before awkwardly saying goodbye to Yoongi. On the way out, Yoongi caught a glimpse of the nametag on Jin’s coat and felt a wave of shock come over him.

_ He isn’t a nurse, he’s a doctor! Namjoon, you idiot! _ Yoongi thought, still in utter disbelief. Not only was Jin a better and kinder human than he was, but he was also a doctor. Yoongi couldn’t help but compare his soon-to-be degree in social working to that of a PhD and feel bad about himself. 

“Can I join?” Before Yoongi could even answer Jung Hoseok had sat down in the seat across from him. “You’re the patient from the other day. Min Yoongi, right? How are you feeling?”

“Fine, thanks…” Yoongi said, not really sure what to do or say in this situation.

With a chuckle, he commented, “Not much of a talker, I see.”

“I should get going-”

“I overheard your conversation with Jin-hyung. I think what you’re doing is really dumb.”

Yoongi’s body froze completely, but then quickly eased up, “Well, it’s my decision-.”

“I know that. I’m just telling you that it’s a stupid one to make,” they stated, their expression very serious compared to how it had been in their previous brief interaction.

At this point, Yoongi was beginning to feel anger bubbling up inside him, though he managed to keep most of his composure. “ _ Yah _ ! You have some real nerve speaking to me like that,” he scolded them.

“I’m just saying what you need to be told…” he stated, “I can’t force you to do anything, you have to be willing. I’m just asking you to rethink your options here.” 

Yoongi tried to shut their voice out, not wanting to listen to their reprimand, but failing miserably. He let out an exasperated sigh, “Why do you even care?”

“When I was young, someone I cared for got sick, very sick. There was nothing I could do to help them-,” he paused, clearing his throat, “-uh, to ease their pain… I felt useless and I made a promise to myself that I would never let myself feel that way again. I wanted to help people,” Yoongi just sat and listened as the man right in front of him practically spilt his guts out onto the table that separated the two, “and that’s why I took this job, so I could help those who needed it.”

“I don’t see where-,”

Jung Hoseok voice raised, threatening to crack, “It’s because I care too much about people, don’t you get it?! I care too much and can’t stand to see people suffering, that’s why I choose to help them… and when I see people like you, people who refuse to accept help when they need it, it makes me furious.”

Dumbfounded by the sudden outburst, Yoongi whispered, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you felt so strongly.” His head felt like it was spinning.

“No-, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten so worked up…” there was a long break before Jung Hoseok began speaking again, “-but because of the promise I made, I can’t just watch and let you give up-, because that’s what this is. It’s you giving up.”

He was right. It was Yoongi giving up. After suffering and just living for so many years by himself, Yoongi felt like this was just the best option. No one would miss him all that much anyway, maybe a few here and there. Illness had been something Yoongi experienced from a young age as well, watching as someone he loved die from an illness much like his own. At that moment, Yoongi realized that he had much more in common with Jung Hoseok than he initially thought. They both had something happen in the past that changed and shaped who they are today, though one of them had a little bit more to show for their efforts.

“What’re you so afraid of, Min Yoongi?” Jung Hoseok inquired, soothing Yoongi with his voice which sounded like melted butter.

“I-I don’t know,” he stuttered, now feeling very flustered for some reason, “I’ve seen this happen to people before, and I just-, I don’t want to end up like them… Nevermind, that’s stupid and dumb, I’m just gonna-,” Yoongi began to stand up, but a hand grabbed a hold of his and refused to let go.

“No, please stay,” Jung Hoseok pleaded and eased Yoongi back into his seat, “What’re you so afraid? Of ending up like those _ people _ ?”

Before Yoongi could really think long and hard about an answer, he said the first thing that came to his mind. In hindsight, it sounded a lot less stupid in his head.

“Yeah, that and I guess, uhm-, that I’m afraid of losing my hair?” he said, not realizing at that moment how dumb he must have sounded. There was a lot more he was scared on, but that was the first thought he had.

“Really? That’s what you’re worried about?” Jung Hoseok asked, trying to stifle a laugh, earning a glare out of Yoongi, “ _ Nonono _ , I’m not laughing at you, I just think that’s really cute... Look if you take the treatment they plan on giving you, I promise that if your hair begins to fall out I will shave your head myself,” he raised his right hand and placed it over his heart, “boy scouts honour.”

Yoongi was beginning to questions how and why he got into this situation, how he had managed to get himself in a situation where he was telling someone he had only met once before his deepest fears as if they had known each other for years. The whole situation was weird in all honesty, no one had ever got Yoongi to admit this much in one conversation since he was usually a very reserved person who would rather not bother people with his problems. They continued the conversation for a little while, though it was mostly Hoseok talking. It got to the point where the conversation had strayed from the original topic at hand and they were now joking around and laughing together. Jung Hoseok’s laugh sounded like heaven to Min Yoongi’s ears, it was so boisterous and full of life, but also gentle and comforting. The time hadn’t even occurred to Yoongi, now having long forgotten about his bus, too preoccupied by Jung Hoseok’s shenanigans. He seemed so familiar to him, yet they had never met prior to any of this. Maybe they had met in a previous life or something, the thought had momentarily crossed Yoongi’s mind. 

“ _ Resident Jung Hoseok, please report to oncology. _ ” A feminine voice blared loudly from monitors that Yoongi could not seem to find.

“That’s me,” he said standing up, “uhm, do you want me to walk you out?” 

The two of them stood up and cleared off the table, they were the only ones left in the cafeteria at this point. They had both gotten so distracted by their conversation that they hadn’t even noticed.

Yoongi shook his head no, “Nah, I’m good… Uh, thanks for talking to me today I guess. It’s been awhile since I’ve actually enjoyed human interaction,” he chuckled.

“It’s not a problem, just promise me you’ll think more about your decision.”

In no way was Jung Hoseok in the right position to be making requests, but in spite of all that Yoongi still found himself making promises to a stranger.

Just as they were parting ways, Yoongi called out, “See ya, _ Doc _ ,” in a joking manner, which resulted in him getting corrected.

He only grinned at Yoongi, “Please, just call me Hoseok… or you can call me Hobi if you’d like, it’s what all my friends call me.”

Yoongi went home that day with a big stupid grin on his face but feeling more conflicted than when he had entered the hospital. He had been so set upon not accepting the treatment and now he wasn’t so sure anymore. Although he would never admit it himself, Hoseok’s words got to his head. 


	4. Final Decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd and still as cringey as ever, also pls follow me on twitter @yikesregan.

At the sound of Yoongi’s news, Namjoon’s jaw had gone slack, hanging open in shock as he tried to wrap his head around what he had just been told.

“What?” he sputtered as he looked back between Yoongi and his boyfriend, who looked equally as shocked as he did, “What do you mean? I thought you weren’t going to do the treatment, what changed? I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m super glad, but-” Namjoon began to ramble and Yoongi just shrugged in response.

“I don’t know, just thought I’d give it a shot. If it doesn’t work, it’s not like I have to do it again and it’s my choice so I can stop anytime I want to,” Yoongi explained, his tone cool and calm. He had put on a perfect facade of nonchalance for Namjoon and Seokjin. 

It was only the next day and Yoongi had come to the hospital, only to be bombarded by Namjoon and Seokjin as he turned the corner to where his personal doctor’s office was. Apparently, they had planned to have some sort of intervention in an attempt to convince Yoongi to rethink his choice, but it was too late. After the conversation he had with Hoseok the day prior, Yoongi had decided that he would give chemotherapy a chance at least once. The news had come as a surprise to the two, more than him not accepting treatment because they knew how stubborn Yoongi was. Seokjin thought hard about what could have changed his mind and had come to one conclusion.

“I guess talking to Hoseok must have had something to do with it,” he suggested to Namjoon, whose eyes lit up at the notion.

Yoongi rolled his eyes lightly and defensively said, “What? No, he didn’t have anything to do with it. I just decided it was dumb to not even to give it a chance when I don’t know the outcome.” It was a lie. Yoongi knew it was one of the biggest lies he had ever told; Jung Hoseok had everything to do with him changing his mind, but Yoongi didn’t want to admit that, especially in front of Namjoon. Though, in all honesty, he wasn’t exactly sure why he didn’t.

Namjoon was about to pry more but instead opted not to, letting his once tense body relax in relief. He wasn’t sure what he would’ve done if Yoongi had chosen not to do it; sure, they had broken up, but Namjoon still cared for Yoongi, he never stopped caring. After all, they had been friends before they even started going out and, hopefully, would remain friends for a long time. Though that’s all it was, platonic and friendly. Namjoon cared for Yoongi the way a friend would, how a brother would - he didn’t care for him in the way Yoongi wanted to be cared for, not the way he used to.

“Look, thanks for being concerned and all, but I gotta-,” Yoongi began to make up an excuse to try and get as far away from the  _ Nuclear Couple _ as possible, but was cut off by someone grabbing him and embracing him. He let out a muffled  _ oof _ as Namjoon had pressed him into his chest, his head firmly pressed against Namjoon’s chest.

_ This is weird _ , Yoongi thought as he started to feel uncomfortable in Namjoon’s grasp. Jin was watching - correction - Namjoon’s _ boyfriend _ was watching them, though he probably just thought of it as a hug between two friends rather than a hug between two ex-partners. He remembers feeling like this was somehow wrong, but that thought quickly faded away as he got a sniff of Namjoon’s cologne.  _ Oh _ , how much he had missed that smell and how it had once permeated his senses. Yoongi wanted to engulf himself in that scent and basque in it, but, before he could even truly enjoy being wrapped in Namjoon’s arms, it was ripped away from him.

_ Perfect Jin _ just stood there, watching as his boyfriend held another man in front of him with utmost trust in his eyes and no sense of insecurity. If only Jin had known the truth, then his expression wouldn’t have been so peaceful, but to him there was nothing to worry about; all Jin knew was what Namjoon had told him, for all he knew his boyfriend and Yoongi had never been in any type of relationship, romantic or sexual, prior to or after they started dating.

“I’m so glad you’re doing this,” Namjoon admitted, still partially holding Yoongi by his shoulder, before awkwardly coughing and letting go. There had been some sort of spark in Namjoon’s eye that Yoongi had a hard time putting his finger on.

“Me too, Yoongi,” Jin chimed in, resting a comforting hand on his back and Yoongi had to try his best not to flinch, “you’re _ jagiya’s _ best friend and I feel like we’ve grown really close as well, so we’re both really glad.”

_ No! No! Stop being nice to me! You don’t know the truth! You don’t know what I’ve done - what we’ve done! Please hate me now, otherwise, you’ll just hate me more when you find out! _ Yoongi mind had pleaded, his inner soliloquy fighting itself. Despite his heavy conscience, Yoongi remained looking unfazed on the outside.

He let out an obviously forced cough, “Uh, I should probably go now, uhm, yeah. Y’know, the doctor is probably waiting for me, _ soooo _ .” The two hummed and nodded their heads in agreement.

“Well, I should also get back to work. It was nice seeing you again Yoongi, despite the circumstances! Good luck!” Jin smiled giving Yoongi a tiny wave goodbye, “I’ll see you back at home, babe.” The eldest of all the boys leaned towards his boyfriend, giving him a hard but quick peck on the lips, but still making sure no one else was around. Same-sex couples were still a very taboo thing in South Korea, and Jin, if his superiors found out, could still possibly lose his job.

Yoongi stood by awkwardly as him and Namjoon just stood there, watching as Jin turned down one of the hospital corridors and was out of earshot distance. It looked as if Namjoon wanted to say something but was holding back, his face scrunched up in thought.

“Hyung-”

“I really don’t want to listen to what you have to say,” he stated bluntly, cutting off Namjoon in the middle of speaking, “-and, frankly, I don’t think there’s anything you could say that’ll make me feel any better.”

Namjoon looked down at the ground, his face showing obvious disappointment, and mumbled, “I’m sorry, hyung… I’m so, _ so  _ sorry.”

Shaking his head, Yoongi then chastised Namjoon by saying, “Don’t say sorry to me, I’m not the one you should be wasting your breath on. Apologize to your boyfriend Seokjin - the sweet boy you’ve been lying to?” That being said, Namjoon’s expression became even gloomier. “He deserves to know, Namjoon. He-,  _ he _ fucking loves you, and _ you  _ need to tell him the truth…” 

“I just-, I just can’t, Yoongi. It’ll devastate him and-”

“Do you know how difficult it is for me to see him, especially with you, knowing that he doesn’t have a clue? To know that he’ll hate me for what I’ve done?” Yoongi scoffed dryly, still keeping his voice hushed as to not draw too much attention to themselves. It did hurt him. It hurt Yoongi that he knew Namjoon had moved on, to know that despite that he was still lying to Jin, and knowing that once Jin found out he would surely hate him.

“Then why do you want me to tell him?” Namjoon exclaimed dramatically, “You’re so worried about him hating you, why would you want him to know the one thing that’ll guarantee it?”

“It’s because he deserves to know…” Yoongi pauses before resuming, “-and maybe if he hears it from you, then he’ll forgive you, but I’ll always just be the guy that-.” He was cut off though by a familiar voice butting into the conversation.

“Min Yoongi?” It was the doctor that Yoongi had been having appointments with, the one who set up the tests, the one who had diagnosed him. They smiled kindly in his direction, “I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything, I was just on my way to the office to meet you actually.”

Yoongi glanced at Namjoon before looking away in shame, “No, you weren’t interrupting anything. Let’s go.”

The doctor looked a bit taken back by Yoongi’s tone of voice but seemed to quickly brush it off before ushering him in the way of their office. Despite wanting to call out to him, all Namjoon could do was silently watch as Yoongi walked away. They would have to discuss it again eventually, but that moment was not at the right time nor place.

“We’re glad you have come to your decision,” the doctor had told Yoongi, “but I must disclose some of the potential risks and side effects, as well as go over our planned method of treatment.” They went on to tell Yoongi about everything he needed to know about the particular treatment regime they had planned for him.

For the next nine weeks, three times a week, Yoongi would be subjected to chemotherapy and radiation sessions. Monday and Friday were to be a combination of the two treatments; a minimum of two hours of chemotherapy, and ninety minutes of radiation. While Wednesday’s would be strictly radiation days with no chemo, as to give his body time to react to the other treatment. Apparently, he was very lucky according to the doctor, though he certainly didn’t feel like it. For all of his childhood and the majority of his adult life, Yoongi had been a specimen of perfect physical health - he had never even broken a bone and he couldn’t even remember the last time he had been sick up until now. Now in the middle of his twenties, the supposed best years of his life, he is diagnosed with a disease that's final outcome was far too familiar for him.

The doctor’s explanation of Yoongi’s treatment had been,“The type of therapy we plan on giving you is called neoadjuvant chemotherapy, which would include the chemotherapy and radiation therapy, but the point of this treatment is to shrink down the cancer in order to make it easier to operate on.” Despite his silence, Yoongi comprehended everything the doctor was saying and just nodded his head to show his understanding. “Now, I must warn you of the chance that these treatments not working the first time around, and that you may have to go through multiple-”

“No…” Yoongi spoke up, cutting off the doctor, and staring blankly at them.

They looked taken aback and a bit confused, “What do you mean _ ‘no’ _ ?”

“I mean that I refuse to go through more than one whole round of treatments. If the treatment doesn’t work the first time around, then I’m not going through with it another time,” Yoongi explained to the doctor before saying, “I’ve looked it up, I have the right to refuse further treatments.”

The doctor opened their mouth as if to protest but quickly shut it before composing themselves. “As you wish,” they had said in a calm voice before resuming discussion with him.

The next minutes had been the most boring, yet at the same time the most nerve-racking, moments of Yoongi’s life as the doctor continued to repeat themselves. He just wanted to leave, he hated hospitals and the longer he sat in the doctor’s office the more antsy he became. The doctor had been going over some of the side effects of the chemotherapy, for what felt like the thousandth time to Yoongi, when a knock was heard on the door. The two both faced the door, curious of who it could be on the other side.

The professional in the room let out a slightly annoyed groan before answering, “Yes?”

Slowly, the door peaked open and in popped a familiar head, “I’m sorry if this is a bad time, Doctor, but I came here with some files you asked your secretary for.”

The expression on their face had changed rather quickly when they realized who it was, “That’s rather okay, Hoseok, but you didn’t have to do that. I have that secretary for a reason.”

“I know I just wished to deliver them to you personally,” Jung Hoseok smiled at the doctor before he noticed who else was in the room, “ _ You _ ?”

“Me?” Yoongi asked, rather confused.

“Do you know each other?” the doctor asked, also very out of the loop.

Jung Hoseok smiled before shaking his head, “Not personally, but Min Yoongi here is one of Seokjin-hyung’s friends. I’ve met him once or twice before, and I just didn’t expect to see him here.” Now, he was fully inside the room, no longer hiding his body behind the door. Jung Hoseok placed the files on the doctor’s desk giving a quick bow of condolences. “I’m sorry for interrupting, I’ll take my leave now... It was nice seeing you again, Min Yoongi.”

For some reason, Yoongi felt his heart flutter when he heard Jung Hoseok directly addressing him by his name. Despite that strange feeling, his expression remained emotionless and unmoving.

“No, Hoseok you should stay. We were just about finished here and I think it would be nice for Mr Min to get to know one of the residents that will be helping him throughout his treatment,” they explained, pointing to the seat beside Yoongi. This had been all new news to Yoongi. Jung Hoseok, the cute resident, was going to be a part of Min Yoongi’s cancer treatment? When had that been decided? Why did Yoongi not know? It wasn’t like they were very familiar with each other, but Yoongi felt as though he should’ve somehow known about it prior.

Jung Hoseok took the seat, smiling kindly at the two and  _ God _ was it beautiful. His smile was one of the brightest and most sincere things Yoongi had ever seen.

_ That tops Joon’s smirk-smile any day, _ he found himself thinking.  _ Wait, what? _

“Jung Hoseok here is one of our best residents, he’ll make a great senior doctor one day… If only he would make his mind up about what he wants to specialize in,” they teased and he laughed in response.

“-but there’s just so much I want to do, I couldn’t possibly just choose one field!” He said cheerfully and again Yoongi felt that tug at his heart. What was happening to him? Why did he all of the sudden start feeling like this?

“Haha, you’re young. You still have time to choose, but remember there is always a spot for you at my personal clinic… Min Yoongi,” they addressed Yoongi, who was beginning to feel like a background character in the big picture that was Jung Hoseok, “as an end to his residency, Hoseok here will be helping you throughout your treatment. It’s a part of a new program we’re starting here for patients like yourself.”

Yoongi raised an eyebrow at this comment, “Like me? What do you mean?”

“Uhm,” the doctor stuttered a bit, obviously not expecting Yoongi to ask, “well, according to your records you have no immediate family to help take care of you while going through the treatments, and I have a note here from your old psychiatrist saying that they believe they would find it very beneficial to your mental health if you had someone to support you throughout the process.” For some reason, this filled Yoongi to the brim with anger and put him on the verge of losing his cool. “Hoseok will be attending to you while you’re in and out of the hospital for your treatments, he’ll accompany you to your treatments and he will deal with anything that involves planning. He’ll be substituted as your dependent caretaker during hospital visits until you find one at least.”

Yoongi was utterly shocked at this point, it took everything in him not to just let his jaw go slack and sit there mouth agape while unable to form words. He didn’t even know this was a thing. When he looked over at Hoseok, who still had a smiley grin plastered on his near perfect face, Yoongi didn’t know how to feel let along what to say.

For the rest of the appointment, Yoongi just sat there silently, nodding his head every once in a while and signing things when asked. It wasn’t until the doctor had excused themselves and left the two alone in their office that Yoongi spoke up.

“Really? What is this?” Yoongi asked the other person in the room, “So you’re supposed to act as my caretaker? What am I five year old again? I don’t need someone to look after me. I’m fine on my own - I’ve always been the one taking care of myself and a little cancer isn’t going to change that.”

Hoseok just sat there, paying attention to what Yoongi was saying but never interrupting as to let him blow off some steam by ranting. His silence only further fueled Yoongi’s annoyance though.

_ Come on! Say something! Don’t just sit there looking pretty! _

Despite his telepathic attempts, Yoongi’s wishes went unanswered. Suddenly, another thought had occurred to him.

“Was Seokjin the one who put you up to this? Did he tell you to watch out for me?” Yoongi interrogated and by the new look on Hoseok’s face, he could tell he was correct, “Well tell Seokjin I don’t need someone waiting on me hand and foot. I’m perfectly capable-” he began to stand up as he spoke but stopped mid-sentence when he felt his hand being grabbed.

At the moment, Hoseok had reached out and held Yoongi’s hand in an attempt to keep him from leaving. Yoongi felt his cheeks become flush as he looked down at their hands.

“Yoongi,” Hoseok said, his voice calm and sweet and sincere, “people care about you, okay? They want to make sure you’re okay… When Namjoon and Jin-hyung asked me to take care of you I promised them I would.”

_ Namjoon. _ So he knew Namjoon too. _ Well, of course, he does. _

Yoongi scoffed at the thought, “If they’re so concerned then they should just do it themselves, not pawn off some subordinate to do the work for them.” The minute Yoongi said that he regretted it, seeing the slightly pained look flash on to Hoseok’s face, though the look was gone almost as soon as it came. At that moment, Yoongi could tell that Hoseok was the type of person who could easily hide their true feelings for the sake of others.

“They would, Yoongi, trust me they would if they could,” Hoseok spoke calmly, “but they’re both busy. Jin is my friend and I’m doing this as a favour to him… I get if you don’t want the help, but I’m not letting you go through this alone. No one should have to go through it without someone there for them.”

“I still don’t get why Seokjin-”

“Forget him!... I want to help you. Please, let me help you…” Hoseok pleaded, a new light behind his eyes. He was desperate - Yoongi could tell. Suddenly, Yoongi remembered the conversation they had earlier, the one that made him rethink his decision, despite his denial in saying that it hadn’t.

_ “When I was young, someone I cared for got sick, very sick. There was nothing I could do to help them-”. _

“Okay,” he said, giving in to Hoseok’s requests, “I’ll let you help me, but it doesn't mean I’m going to be happy about it.” Hoseok smiled, also standing up and letting go of Yoongi’s hand, which neither of them noticed he was still holding on to, before giving Yoongi a big hug.

At first, Yoongi was very off put by the gesture and slightly uncomfortable. It wasn’t like he was completely non-affectionate, it was just that he was never shown any when he was younger, making it weird for him now as an adult. Even when he was dating Namjoon, neither of them had been very hands-on when it came to showing affection and most of that stayed behind closed doors. Maybe that was one of the reasons why their relationship ended like it did.

Though, Yoongi discomfort at the hug slowly faded as he stood there with Hoseok arms wrapped around his torso, being forced to take in his scent. He smelt like citrus and something else that Yoongi couldn’t put his finger on it, but either way, he enjoyed the smell. The whole encounter only lasted a couple seconds, but to Yoongi it had been slowed down - though, he still missed the scent of citrus permeating his nose when Hoseok pulled away.

“Sorry, that was really unprofessional,” Hoseok stated embarrassed with a blush rising to his cheeks. Both of them were blushing actually, although there seemed to be a non-verbal agreement between the two to not mention it.

All of the sudden the doctor came back into the room to witness the two of them standing there awkwardly. Yoongi forced out a cough, while Hoseok began to make himself look scarce. 

“I should get going,” he said, dusting off his scrubs nonchalantly, “It was nice seeing you again, Min Yoongi. I can’t wait to start working with you.” Hoseok started walking to the door, bowing his head ever so slightly to the doctor before addressing them and leaving.

In that fraction of time, both Yoongi and the doctor had the same thing on their mind.

_ What was that all about? _


	5. Treatment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd (what else is new) and it's still shit, but kudos and comments are appreciated :)

The week leading up to Yoongi’s first official treatment session was spent doing mostly mundane tasks, which included buying Holly’s dog food, getting groceries, and other chores that Yoongi would rather not have to do. He wasn’t going to let his diagnosis get in the way of his life anymore, he’d continue on living the way he did before with a few minor alterations. The frequent hospital visits, picking up prescriptions, seemingly endless consultations, more blood work and more scans were all apart of these alterations. Despite being in and out of hospital all week, Yoongi hadn’t once seen Jung Hoseok, the resident who was supposed to be helping him throughout the whole process. Yoongi now felt stupid for having given in to their pleads to let them help him, especially when it seemed as though he would still be going into all of this alone.

Namjoon had offered to take time off so he would be able to chauffeur Yoongi to his appointments, but Yoongi knew he couldn’t ask that of Namjoon. Not only would it be quite awkward for the both of them, but taking time off three times a week and having to pay for the overpriced visitors parking was too much to ask for from him. Yoongi had denied the offer immediately, refusing to have himself feel like a burden on others, and Namjoon knew that there was no use in trying to insist any further - he knew Yoongi well enough to know that once his mind was made up it was practically impossible to change it. That left Yoongi all by his lonesome to fend for himself as he tried to navigate his way through the hospital towards the oncology ward, and up until then, Yoongi had never realized just how massive the place actually was.

He tried following the big arrows that were painted red on the ground and the signs that were supposed to point him to the right place, but he was still lost, having just done a big circle. 

_ Great! Now I’m going to be late! _ He exclaimed to himself in thought as he looked down at his watch.

“Hi,” a soft voice spoke up, earning Yoongi’s attention, “are you lost?”

_ Oh, thank God! _ He thought, relieved to see a male nurse dressed in pink scrubs with matching hair looking at him.

“Uhh, yeah I am actually, I’m looking for oncology. I was supposed to meet with the specialist there. You wouldn’t happen to be able to show me the way, would you?” Yoongi asked timidly, afraid to just ask for instructions on how to get there knowing his bad sense of direction.

“Of course I can show you the way, sweetheart! I was just heading there myself actually,” the small pink haired man chimed, giving Yoongi a friendly smile. “Come now,” he said gesturing Yoongi to follow him.

The nurse, who Yoongi learned was named Park Jimin, was very talkative and kind. He chatted with Yoongi along the way, but never expected a reply, which Yoongi was thankful for as he was never one for small talk.

The oncology ward was no different from any of the other wings in the hospital, or at least that’s how it appeared on the surface. The walls had been painted white and baby blue, empty trolleys lined the hall, a call centre where nurses and doctors congregated - all of which felt familiar to Yoongi, but he knew something was off. The minute Yoongi stepped into the ward he could sense something was different, that something was off within the atmosphere. The air had a perfumed scent, which was probably an attempt made by one of the well-meaning nurses to try and cover up the smell of bleach and other chemical cleaners. The nurses seemed to be in no hurry and they moved with purposefulness from room to room as they made their rounds, which was the first thing that Yoongi noticed. The second thing he noticed was that he had yet to see another patient. It was oddly quiet for a hospital - the most noise coming from machinery and what Yoongi guessed was the sound of TV coming from one of the rooms.

“Here we are!” The nurse, Jimin, chimed with a smile. Yoongi quickly thanked him then made his way to the nurses’ station that was sanctioned in the middle of the room, and there he recognized someone. There was Jung Hoseok, dressed in his scrubs and looking like he was at the end of a really long shift just from how much facial hair scruff he had, chatting it up with one of the female nurses.

“Yeah, so if I could get a hard copy of his tables that would be-,” he had been talking to the nurse who sitting behind a computer as he leaned against the counter, “Yoongi! My new favourite patient! How’re you feeling about today?”

“Uh, to be honest? I’m kind of shitting myself thinking about it…” Yoongi said, feeling very tense and awkward. Hoseok walked up to him and gave his shoulder a reassuring rub.

“You’re going to be fine. I’ll be helping out in the administering of the chemo today, so you got nothing to worry about!” Hoseok explained, which did make Yoongi feel a little bit better. At least it was someone he was kind of familiar with who was in charge of his treatment and not some random doctor. “Come on, I’ll show you to the room.”

Hoseok quickly said goodbye to the nurses sitting at the nurse station before showing Yoongi the way to another hospital room. The room was no different from other hospital rooms, two beds separated by a sheet though this time the sheet was pulled back so Yoongi could see the whole room. The bed beside him was occupied, there Yoongi could see an old man sleeping and connected to what he assumed was a chemo bag through an IV tube.

“That’s just Mr. Rhee, I swear I’ve only ever seen him awake a handful of times. That man could sleep through anything, he won’t bother you.” He stated and gestures for Yoongi to sit down on the empty bed. It’s like Hoseok could sense Yoongi’s social anxiety.

“So, what happens now?” Yoongi asked, unsure of what to do as he let his legs dangle off the side of the hospital bed.

Hoseok sat down in a chair next to the bed, “We’ll wait for your oncologist, they’ll administer the chemo and I’ll assist…”

“Okay, so I’m still a little confused about this whole thing though.”

Hoseok furrowed his eyebrows and shifted in the chair, “How so?”

“You’re a resident right?” At that Hoseok nodded his head. “So you’re basically a doctor?”

“Well, not technically. My residency is just a part of my graduate medical training. All doctors go through it - internship, residency and then a fellowship.” Hoseok explained to Yoongi in a casual tone. 

Yoongi was still trying to wrap his brain around the situation, “Okay, I get that… but still, as the next McDreamy don’t you have better things to do? If you’re not the one directly in charge of my treatment then why bother?”

He let out a sigh, a sigh that said _ I wish you understood _ , “I’m doing this as a favour to Jin-hyung and I care about what happens to you, Yoongi. I care about all the patients that come in here and that’s why I’m doing this. Besides after I observe for a while, the hospital agreed to let me be your regular resident and handle your treatment with the help of the lead oncologist. I may not officially be a doctor yet, but I still hold some authority.”

A knock on the door signalled that someone else was about to enter the room, “Sorry I’m late! I was just- oh, it’s you again. Hello!” It was the same pinked haired nurse from before, but this time he had 2 bags full of a white solution, similar to milk. “I’m Jimin, I’ll be the nurse in charge. Your oncologist is busy right now, but they gave me the go-ahead to start.”

Yoongi exchanged formalities with him as well.

“Hobi can you please help Mr. Min get comfortable?” he asked Hoseok sweetly as he went over to Mr. Rhee and changed his IV with a new bag of solution. The nickname signified a closeness, a friendship, one that Yoongi quickly recognized. Yoongi shifted so that he was laying down on the bed, back propped against the headboard, and now tightly tucked in under the hospital blanket thanks to Hoseok. If Yoongi hadn’t been feeling nervous before then he sure was now. 

_ Pft, no big deal! I can do this, _ he tried psyching himself up. 

“This is your first time doing chemo?” Jimin asked as he quickly looked over the chart that was posted to the end of the bed.

“Yes, it is,” Hoseok answered for him, probably feeling Yoongi rising nervousness.

“Okay, we’re going to have to put an intravenous in your arm so we can supply the chemo. Hoseok can just watch for today... Is this okay?” Jimin asked in a kind voice. It's not that Yoongi _ hated _ needles, he just strongly disliked them. Actually, it was probably more the thought of something being injected into his body that scared him since he had no problem with getting blood taken. Hoseok placed his hand on Yoongi bicep and rubbed it gently as if trying to sooth the other, and it worked. 

“Yeah,” Yoongi mumbled holding out his arm as he waited for Jimin to clean off the needle for the IV. 

The moments leading up to the needle were nerve-racking, “Okay, I’m going to put it in now.”

“ _ Breath in, _ ” Hoseok said and so Yoongi did. The needle slid into the vein of his inner elbow with a pinch. “ _ Breath out _ ,” and so he did.

Jimin smiled and disposed of the garbage left from the needle package in a box that said  _ biohazardous waste _ , “See? Not so bad right?” He asked as he began connecting the IV needle in Yoongi’s arm to the tube from the chemo bag. Yoongi watched as the chemo solution slowly began to drip down the tube and into his arm. “I’ll be back in about an hour to see how you’re doing. In the meantime, Hoseok can keep you company.”

Quietly, Jimin left the room on his way to make his rounds. Time went by very slowly, what had felt like hours to Yoongi was actually just a few mere minutes in real time.

“ _ God, _ ” he groaned, “could this get any more boring?” Hoseok chuckled at his frustration.

“Ouch, my feelings have been hurt,” he joked with Yoongi, pretending to clutch his heart as if it was in pain, “If you’re so bored, why don’t we talk about something?”

Yoongi frowned, “Yeah? And what would that be?”

Hoseok shrugged and mumbled, “I don’t know. Anything you’d like, I guess… Weather, sports, news, your choice.”

Yoongi hated small talk and it took him a few moments to think up a topic of interest.

“ _ You _ ... I mean, uh, like why’d you go into medicine. I remember you told me it was because of someone, but you-, you never went further than that,” Yoongi stumbled on his words, trying to tread lightly, not sure if this was still a sensitive topic.

Hoseok chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck with hand and trying to pass it off as casual, but it was obvious to Yoongi that this was still an uncomfortable area for him, “Ah, getting into the deep stuff, I see how it is.”

“I- I didn’t mean to,” Yoongi panicked, “I’m sorry, we don’t need to talk-”

“It’s fine, Yoon,” he reassured the fretting boy, “I kind of left myself open for that one anyway.”

Hoseok had paused and released a little sigh before smiling. It was an eerie smile - lacking the usual happiness that was supposed to accompany such a gesture. He ran a hand through his hair, looking off into the distance at Mr. Rhee, who was still asleep in the cot beside Yoongi’s, a sad expression.

“Her name was Dawon,” he started, still refusing to look Yoongi in the eyes, still refusing to show him something other than a happy-go-lucky Hoseok, “she was my older sister… We-, we were really close. Inseparable.” Hoseok went on to talk about his sister, how she was four years older than him, how much he looked up to her as a kid, how she was just an overall amazing human being. It practically brought Yoongi to tears, though of course, he held back; to have someone who talked with the same sincerity Hoseok used to talk about his sister, that was something Yoongi never had or at least hadn’t had for a long time. Sure, he had an older brother, but they were never that close. From just listening to Hoseok speak, Yoongi began to feel envious of him. “... she was seventeen when she became sick. It was quick and came out of nowhere. She’s the reason I wanted to go into medicine. Seeing her, not being able to do anything. It made me feel powerless” As he felt tears well up, Hoseok had to stop and wipe his eyes. “Sorry for the waterworks, I shouldn’t even be bothering you with this… So much for professionalism”

This time it was Yoongi who reached out to Hoseok, holding his hand and giving it what he hoped was a reassuring squeeze. “Screw professionalism, you’re human, not a robot.”

Hoseok smiled, this time more genuine then the last, “I think you too would have gotten along well. You would’ve liked her, she definitely would’ve liked you too… You remind of her, y’know? A lot actually.”

At that Yoongi felt his heart skip multiple beats.

Jimin had kept his promise. Right at the one hour mark, he came back and this time with a new bag of solution, despite the current one only being halfway gone. This had freaked Yoongi out a bit and Hoseok had noticed as he tensed up.

“He’s just changing the bag,” he said soothingly, running his hand along Yoongi’s free arm. Despite his earlier thoughts, Yoongi was glad that Hoseok was there with him. He had a way of being able to calm him down and keep him company while not annoying or exhausting him. It was nice having someone there that wasn’t so involved in his life, someone he could get away from if need be. Though, all in all, it felt good to feel cared for. To feel like someone cared just because they cared, not because of some contractual obligation, which was probably a closer truth.

Throughout the whole thing, Hoseok was right by Yoongi side, never once leaving him.  _ Maybe this whole support thing wasn’t so bad after all _ , Yoongi had briefly thought to himself as he enjoyed the company.


	6. Radiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! This chapter includes a panic attack episode in it. Also, it's probably very inaccurate. Despite having actually suffered from mild panic attacks before, mine were nothing like this and I have no idea where to even begin to describe them.

_ Week two of treatments. _ It seemed as though within less than a minute of entering the building Yoongi had been bombarded by his favourite hospital resident, who like always was wearing his brightly coloured scrubs and a stupid grin. He was also holding two white styrofoam cups in his hands.

“ _ Min Yoongi _ ,” Jung Hoseok greeted plainly with a curt nod of the head, one of his hands outstretched.

_ “Doctor,” _ Yoongi retorted in the same tone and took the cup out of Hoseok’s hand. Though their contact had been minimal, the two had already fallen into a weird unspoken agreement about their relationship between doctor and patient.

Hoseok forced out a fake yawn as if he was trying to be funny, “Thought you could use a little pick-me-up. Jin let me know you weren’t really a morning person.”

“Thanks,” Yoongi mumbled and took a sip from the cup given to him, “ _ Ugh _ ! Disgusting.”

“Decaf, actually. Doctor’s orders,” Hoseok reasoned taking a drink from his non-decaf, non-gross tasting coffee.

Yoongi groaned, “ _ You are  _ my doctor… _ God, _ who even drinks decaf? Sadists?”

“I think you mean masochists...” Hoseok joked back, watching as Yoongi scrunched up his face in disgust at the taste. “We have a meeting with your nutritionist later, I’ll talk with them and the head oncologist about upping your caffeine intake.”

He breathed a sigh of relief, “Thank fucking God, I don’t know how many more of these dietary restrictions I can take.”

Another thing Yoongi hated about his diagnosis, besides the dying and all that, was that now he had all these restrictions on what he ate, which was very little to begin with. He was very picky with food and ate like a bird, but now with a doctor ordered diet he barely ate anything.

The two of them stood in the lobby, drinking their coffee in silence until they were finished - well at least until Hoseok finished his, Yoongi had to throw his out after drinking about ½ of it since he couldn’t stand the taste.

“Have you eaten breakfast?” Hoseok inquired, checking his watch for the time.

“No...” Hoseok frowned at his response, “What? I’m just going to puke it back up after the treatments anyway,” Yoongi tried defending himself, but Hoseok didn’t budge.

“Not the point. Come on, let’s go grab something together. I’ve been on-call since midnight and I’m starving,” he suggested and pointed in the direction of the cafeteria. Yoongi gave Hoseok an objecting look, “I'll pay.”

Yoongi wasn’t going to argue with that. Recently his dollar had been stretched even further than usual; attempting to pay for treatments, while still trying to support himself. Cancer treatments are expensive. Dying was expensive; the cheapest of caskets still costing about two thousand dollars, and it wasn’t like that was something he could buy  _ lightly used _ . Chemotherapy and radiation weren’t something covered on Yoongi’s health plan, which wasn’t a surprise to him, with his cheap plan he couldn’t even get cold pills without paying out of pocket. Health plans, in Yoongi’s opinion, had just been another way to con people out of their money. You could buy the most expensive one, but when the time came that you actually needed to use it, the government would fuck you over once again. Last week alone he had to make rent on his apartment, pay his phone bill, and buy Holly a new bag of dog food; this left his wallet empty with only a picture of Holly and a couple bus pass tickets. Groceries hadn’t been a top priority on Yoongi’s bucket list that week; he would just have to wait until the end of the week when he got his paycheck.

“Say what ya want about the food, but our hospital has the best breakfast burritos in the city,” Hoseok stated handing Yoongi an aluminium foiled burrito out of the staff freezer, which he looks at skeptically, “Okay, so I buy my own food. I mean c’mon, have you had hospital food?”

“That’s rich coming from you,” he quipped back, “I mean, you do work here and all.”

They ate in silence, enjoying the food and the company. It was good, Yoongi had thoroughly enjoyed the meal, but he could feel his stomach already twisting at the thought of puking it back up later. Yoongi waited for Hoseok to finish his meal, watching in awe as the man took an impossibly large bite. He must’ve much better things to do than to sit down with patients, he was a doctor after all, and Yoongi was still confused as to why he did such things. Jung Hoseok was an anomaly, much like the rapidly increasing cancer cells that made a home in Yoongi’s body. 

“How have you been feeling?” Hoseok asked suddenly, snapping Yoongi from his dazed state.

“Huh? Oh, uh okay I guess… Y’know, all things considered,” he responded timidly, looking down at his twiddling thumbs under the table.

“Have you had any symptoms?.. Nausea,”  _ yes, _ “vomiting,”  _ yes, _ “fatigue?”  _ yes- _

_ “Yoongi?” _ Hoseok asked, realizing Yoongi had probably zoned out, “Symptoms? Have you had any?”

“No.” Yoongi lied. Hoseok frowned. For some reason, Yoongi didn’t feel like divulging that sort of information to Hoseok, despite the fact that quite literally one of the reasons he was employed was to help sick people.

_ Sick people,  _ Yoongi thought. It hadn’t quite occurred to him yet that he was  _ sick _ , that he was now just another statistic on a US fucking A Today column. Cancer was a sickness, and he had said malady.

“That’s good,” Hoseok said, but it lacked his usual spirit, most likely sensing Yoongi’s fib. Afterwards, the silence Yoongi once found comfort in became tense.

If there was one thing Yoongi hated more than the chemo, it was the radiation. He hated being forced onto the stupid machine, which was similar to an MRI scanner but was actually something called a LINAC, as if Yoongi was supposed to know what that meant. According to Hoseok, the machine was a form of external-beam radiotherapy that created high-energy radiation that could be focused on one area of the body and used to treat different types of cancer without being invasive. In Yoongi’s case, a malignant colon. The idea was to try and shrink down the existing tumours before they spread further, then _ hopefully  _ be able to remove them with surgery. Yoongi hated it, said it made him feel like a _“human sardine being forcefully shoved into a can”_. That analogy earned a chuckle out of both Hoseok and the attending radiologist, who stood monitoring him from behind a glass window in another room.

“How’re you feeling, Yoongi?” Hoseok asked, his voice flying through the intercom.

Yoongi tried not to fidget in discomfort, his bones were stiff and began to ache from lying down for so long.

“Just peachy,” he replied sarcastically, but it was forced. Yoongi wasn’t about to admit that he could feel an oncoming panic attack; he would never tell Hoseok or the radiologist that they needed to stop because he felt like his chest was about to collapse on him.

“You’re doing great, just a few more minutes,” Hoseok had reassured him, most likely having seen through his nonchalant facade.

As hard as Yoongi tried to keep it at bay for a little while longer, he couldn’t help his anxiety. Suddenly the walls are closing in on Yoongi; his vision is blurry and he can’t see straight. His chest feels heavy, and he’s breathing deeply, but feeling as if no oxygen is actually getting to his lungs. He can’t speak though; he wants to tell the doctors to stop, but the words won’t come out and he’s left trapped in his own mind. It’s not until radiologist asks him a question that they realize something is wrong.

“Mr. Min? Are you alright in there?” They ask him through the intercom, and Yoongi tries to respond, but the only words that come out are in deep wheezes. He squeezes his eyes shut, the lights in the room all the sudden becoming too bright for him.

“Yoongi?” Hoseok solicited, “Yoongi can you hear me?” This time the question is louder, more concern showing. His voice is sweet and warm and deep, and it seems to calm Yoongi down a tiny bit.

Swallowing a lump in his throat, Yoongi weakly croaks out, “Y-yeah.”

“Yoongi, I think you’re having a panic attack. I’m going to stop the machine-”

“No!” He panics, the fear of stopping the machine and having to restart the treatment weighing upon him heavily. His eyes flash open in search for Hoseok who still stands behind the glass window. Their eyes lock and he becomes the only thing Yoongi can see. “I’m fine, just-... Just can you please keep talking to me?”

And so Hoseok continues to talk. He’s reassuring Yoongi, telling him that the feeling is temporary and will pass, encouraging him to breathe, and trying to engage in conversation with him. Hoseok cracks some type of joke that makes Yoongi actually laugh, it’s weak but still a laugh, and he can feel himself start to come down. The tightness in his chest dispersing and his surrounding becoming less overwhelming. Yoongi is pretty sure the worst of it has passed when he hears the radiologist say that he’s done now.

The door to the imaging room opens and in walks Hoseok. He begins to shut off the machine and helps slide the table Yoongi is on out from under it. Yoongi breathes in a breath of relief that’s deep and oxygenates his lungs, giving him the much-needed air he was seeking.

“Can I touch you?” Hoseok softly asks and at first Yoongi is confused, but quickly realizes why he asked. He nods his head timidly and begins to try to sit up by himself, Hoseok’s hand quickly makes its way around the just above the small of Yoongi’s back to support him. Yoongi feels as if his skin is on fire when Hoseok accidentally touches him where the hospital gown fails to cover.

“Thank you,” Yoongi manages to spit out, becoming embarrassed.

Hoseok grins with that goddamned smile that makes Yoongi’s heart uncontrollably flutter.

_ Damn it Min Yoongi, pull yourself together! _ He scolds himself, praying that Hoseok can’t see the blush in his cheeks,  _ stop being chaotic and gay! _

“No problem. Now c’mon, let’s get you back in your regular clothes and out of here. Sound good?”

Sounds more than good, amazing actually.

“So I’ll see you next week?” Hoseok asks as he walks Yoongi to the front entrance of the hospital. This had become a habit for both of them rather quickly; they greet each other when Yoongi gets to the hospital, Hoseok barely leaves Yoongi’s side during his treatments unless he has to, and then Hoseok makes sure Yoongi gets out okay. It was something Yoongi was rather thankful for.

“Yeah, I’ll-” Yoongi began to say his goodbyes to Hoseok before a familiar voice cut through their conversation.

“Yoongi! I’m so glad I ran into you!” Jin cheerfully chimed as he quickly made his way over to where the two other males were standing. The two doctors greeted each other briefly before Jin turned his attention back to Yoongi. Yoongi studied Jin and noticed that he was wearing his civilian clothes, meaning he probably just got off from a shift. How Jin managed to still look perfect after twelve-hour shifts at the hospital dumbfounded Yoongi.

“I wanted to ask you if you wanted to go out and grab something to eat,” Jin explained, and for once Hoseok looked like the person out of place in the conversation, “You can come too, Hobi.”

Hoseok shook his head, “Sorry, I can’t, my shift doesn’t end for a while. Maybe another time?” Jin hums in agreement.

“So how about you, Yoongi? The treatments are pretty long, you must be hungry,” he inquires, probably trying to gage a reaction out of Yoongi.

As nice as Jin was that was part of the reason Yoongi didn’t want to go out to eat with him. Jin was just  _ so _ nice, meaning every time Yoongi looked at him he remembered that and felt guilty for what he had done. He had to find a way out, maybe if he just-

“Y’know what? I’m just really tried. The treatments have just been making me feel exhausted lately, I should probably just head home and rest.”

_ God, I can’t believe I just played the cancer card. I’m an awful person,  _ Yoongi thought to himself.

“Oh okay, no problem. Here I’ll drive you home!” Jin suggested and Yoongi’s heart sank. He had avoided one situation for a completely new one. There was no way of getting out of it without looking like a complete asshole. Now Jin would have to drive Yoongi home in his fancy car that he bought with the money he got from his fancy job, and then he would get to see the type of squalor Yoongi lived him and be able to compare it to his own home, which was probably much nicer than Yoongi’s almost run down rental.

“Thanks,” Yoongi said, hoping he sounded sincere enough. He looked back at Hoseok who was still standing there, his expression unreadable, “I’ll see you around,  _ doc. _ ” 

They all said their goodbyes and parted ways. On the way to Jin’s car Yoongi had thought of many different scenarios in which he could get out of the unanticipated car ride, but alas his luck had been good today. He didn’t get hit by a car in the parking lot or have the ground split into two beneath him and fall to the centre of the earth despite his wishes.

There were many things Min Yoongi dreaded, and being alone in a car with Kim Seokjin had been one of those things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I updated this *sips tea*. Again, this is unbeta'd because I don't have anyone to beta read my shit, but hopefully you enjoyed this mess. Updates will probably continue to be slow as I figure out where exactly I'm taking this story. Also, you can follow me on Twitter @yikesregan if you want and talk to me on there (I swear I'm nice, kinda :P ).


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